That statement right here triggers me....in a good way.
I need to claim that right now. Im being called...by my powerful soul to own the shit out of that.
It's what I truly care about right now.
After months of confusion, fear and challenge's (actually thats been pretty much my whole journey lol)...it has become crystal clear again.
Im choosing to heal my pain and fear. And this is what makes me a healer (although I am not limited to this label... I like to remind myself). And also that this is me...loving myself. Just choosing to do...that.
So many things led me to this in the last few days. I moved from Sydney to the northern rivers where my family is and where I grew up. I've been navigating my aging unwell mum, my deceased stepfather, and my family dynamics....all the while also dealing with my depression I have had for months.....I was literally at my wits end the other day...basically screaming out loud...why did I choose to do this? Have I made the wrong decision?!
But...after calling upon my healing comrades...and sitting with my triggers (aka healing my fear & pain) it soon dawned on me that im healing some core shit right now. Im balls deep! This is a great opportunity for me to heal and let go of some of the most powerful and deepest beliefs I have...the ones that I chose with my family.
The literal mother load.
Like the beliefs that I am unsupported by the universe (or anyone for that matter). That no one cares about my joy and happiness. Well...that one came up in a painful way again...big and un-relentless. I couldn't ignore it. And once I surrendered, somewhat, to a huge explosion of emotions....I was able to see that I was doing "that thing" again. Im getting angry and frustrated that Im not being supported...because Im not actually doing what my soul is calling me to do....which is heal my pain and fear. Im running around like a headless chook, getting worried and fearful about all of the external reality stuff again, like getting a "real job" or trying to get clients, or helping my mum (but in a fearful way), doing doing doing.....getting confused about what the heck is going on....I lost complete sight of my core truth right now....I WANT to heal my pain and fear...thats why I chose this path...thats what Im here for...thats why I had a spiritual awakening...thats what everything was leading me to.
And I haven't fully trusted it...thats why its so easy for me to think my path is "something else". I literally start to convince myself that this isn't it. I have to BE something or show something. I also then get fearful that its...nothing at all...and I should get a "real job" and just go back to the way I was before.......say whaaaat?
So I just lay in my bed....surrendered to my pain inside and just let it be. Ahhhhhh.
And I decided to imagine what it would be like to believe that the universe was always supporting me...in ways I couldn't see or feel yet....and if it was.....what am I being supported in?
Then it dawned on me...this...right now....me healing myself...receiving healing...letting go of my painful beliefs...releasing my pain.....and suddenly it was super clear.
This is my truth. I secretly want this to be the truth....this is all I want to focus on. Here I am getting all worried about other things, when my souls path is right in front of me.
This is what i have chosen on a soul level....and finally my human self is catching up to that. Im aligning with my soul's path. (hey thats why Ive chosen to change my vibes to this!).
This is actually my highest joy. And Ive had a lot of judgement about it because I can't explain it. It may even sound very selfish and self-obsessive.....and it kind of is... (im working with those shadows in a big way...hello Gene Keys). I think this is why I have also struggled with my website...because I still cannot see the link between me healing myself and me healing other people....it feels far more worthy and valuable to be healing others over myself. (gee I got a lot to work on there lol).
But I think the key is that I'm clear about what I'm choosing.....and all I need to do is trust that. Do my part (heal my pain and fear) and let the rest unfold. Let the universe show me the next steps when its time.
And I do feel some judgement and guilt about this....because I know what healing truly is and what is possible with it......its literally amazing....I want to tell people about it all the time!!!.......so is it bad to not want to heal others so much? (i mean this is ultimately not fully true...a part of me does want to help people....otherwise I wouldn't do this website and podcast).
Is it bad that I want to heal myself? Still? That I still have pain and fear?
I don't think it is, even though parts of me feel like this. Because it's the truth I feel in my heart. And I've tried to resist it...and make something else true....but the universe is only supporting me to do this right now.
So I shall.
(ps I have realigned my website...again....where my focus is now on aligning to your soul's path...and how this is where the perspective of freedom and unconditional love is...which in turn is the perspective that helps you to heal and transform...it's also the shit that really turns me on and the best experiences I have had in life so far...like my awakening in 2015..
....living from the soul's level is what makes me the happiest and most joyful...and if you feel that way too...then I think we'll get along just fine).
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