There’s nothing like some physical reality real-ness to bring you into the present moment and expose some real shit in you.
As I was cleaning some maggots off the floor this morning I felt a real anger and rage build up inside me.
I don’t want to be doing this. But I also don’t want maggots crawling around everywhere.
The bin wasn’t emptied. The shame of it all. And it’s hot and humid up here in the northern rivers….flys and maggots are in abundance.
I looked up the spiritual meaning of maggots….and it’s what I thought…..deep transformation abounds. Time to let go and let things end and die so they can be reborn. Fear of the shameful ugly side of life. The not so pretty side. The real-ness ( can’t help but hear Rupauls voice when I write that lol).
Need to feel that rage, that anger, the shame and all the uncomfortable feelings.
So I go do a healing on it and allow all that to come up for some lovin’ and expressin.
I let all my own inner piss and shit come up. All the judged and shamed things inside spill out all over the place like a the maggots on the kitchen floor.
And it’s clear to me that I still have these superficial ideas of what the spiritual path is and what it should look like. Because according to this part of me, I shouldn’t be dealing with maggots in the kitchen. I should be on instagram flaunting my spiritual abundance (hahahahahhaah!). Things should be nicey nicey full of lighty.
Oh but it is…can’t you see?
It’s all fucking spiritual. It’s all the path. All of it.
The piss and shit and maggots and poo of it all. (Even maggot poo? Yes!)
As long as I limit and divide existence up into loveable and not loveable, spiritual and not spiritual, divine and not divine…I am only holding myself back from my own true freedom. And ironically…that is also spiritual.
My anger my rage….spiritual.
My poos and wees…spiritual.
Cleaning maggots off the floor…spiritual…helping my elderly mum clean herself….spiritual. Getting frustrated at it all…spiritual. Having a bitch a moan about all the people around me…spiritual. Having health issues…spiritual…being hassled by the government…spiritual. Panic attacks and anxiety…spiritual.
Feeling the hatred, the fears, the dark rage of “fuck all of you motherfuckers!!!!!”.
I feel fear….but I am not afraid!
I will see the divine in all things. I will open my eyes, my heart and not be afraid if all it is is darkness in there.
I will pick up each individual maggot and bless it.
Because this is the spiritual path. All of it.
It’s not instagramable all the time.
If I show you only the nice parts of healing and awakening, then I am showing you only a part of what’s true. And if you are truly on this path, then you know what I’m talking about.
The process is messy, ugly, beautiful, powerful, challenging and sometimes just plain shit.
I’ve been crying like an ugly baby on the floor most days. Reacting like a hurt teenager too. I’m also scared like a little vulnerable baby bird.
I’ve been so afraid of my spiritual path that I literally feel like I’m gonna die most days. And the anxiety has been so hard to be present with I felt like I was going mad too.
But I realise….the process only cares about truth. And sometimes the truth is ugly to the limited mind.
And healing, transformation and spiritual awakening is all about the truth. The real truth. Your true self. How you truly feel. And what youre
truly like…right now. And then it’s being ok with that.
Genuinely ok.
Doesn’t sound glamorous does it? lol.
And this plays on my mind most days. Like who would want this path? It’s so fucking….REAL.
This is what it’s been like for me. And moving back to my old hometown has been humbling me in the most epic and challenging way. Breaking down my limited ego.
Freeing me freeing me freeing me.
Freeing me from my own limitations.
I am uncomfortable and ashamed of my spiritual path.
And all is well and ok.
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